Endings-An off the cuff catharsis

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photocred:cperciaccanto

 

I hate endings –any kind of endings, really.

We lost our loyal dog companion of 16 years yesterday. We knew the end was near, but when it actually showed it up, it was ugly and not peaceful (as all endings should be, in my opinion). My mother’s death was ugly. Actually, there are few people and animals that left my life in a peaceful manner. My father’s death was quick and painless as far as I know, but it was sudden and he was 39 years young. So in the sense that a life was cut short with no goodbyes said, I consider it ugly as well.

This is why I hate endings, even fictional bad ones. God forbid I invest my time escaping life in a good book or movie, only for it end on sad or even bittersweet note. I don’t need a dose of reality; I’ve had more than my share. I need a dose of blissful imagination for me to sink into. Maybe this is why I love to travel so much, it’s an exotic form of escape.

I hate saying goodbye. For long time, that even meant the morning kiss before leaving for work. It was my abandonment issues, first instilled by my father kissing me goodbye at school one morning, and then never seeing him again. My grandparents and mom dying sure didn’t help. I’m always waiting for the next person, old or young, to be the next one to grieve and miss.

I’m much better than I used to be. Writing is my catharsis and my center of gravity. Helps me work out my crazy ( hence this quickly written rant). But it never totally goes away. I said something mean hearted to my husband in a moment of anger recently and feared it would be the last thing I said to him because God would punish me by killing him in a car accident. A good friend of mine tried to take her life many years ago, and every time I hug her goodbye, I fear it could be my last one. I know it sounds nutty, but after a few tragedies your mind begins to perceive things differently.

Life needs more riding off into the sunset type of endings; guy getting the girl; single mom struggling to support her kids wins the lottery; man who lives long, full life passes gracefully in his sleep. No blood, no pain, no suffering, no regrets, no gut wrenching sadness.

This is why I rarely watch the news. It is full of confrontation-fueled endings, natural disasters obliterating lives and sickness stealing our youth. Even Disney is risky. Yes, I know they all end happily, but they make you work for it. They will make you cry first, to ensure you appreciate the cartoon characters who did make it to the credits.

After dealing with another hard ending, I plan on sticking my head in the clouds for a bit. Focus on some positive thoughts and happy endings, rainbows and flowers, peace and puppies. I don’t care if I sound like a hippie. Rather be in a light-hearted hippie mindset, than in a dark and dreary one. My mind looks like a place a gremlin would thrive in right about now.

Send me some positivity blogosphere, I need them!!

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RIP sweet boy
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6 Comments Add yours

  1. Sarah OBrien says:

    A heartfelt essay & I hope if the writing doesn’t bring peace, it will bring heartfelt comments from your readers, including me, to let you know you are not alone in your grief. I, too, will not watch the evening news on TV. In fact, we no longer have cable TV. Too much sadness & loss e v e r y day!! The loss of a dear friend of 16 years is a devastating loss. Hold tight to your years of happy times together. I always weigh the cost of the loss against the years of joy & I wouldn’t give up the pain in saying goodbye that brought so much love through the years. Sending love & hugs. 💕 Sarah

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

    1. Thank you so much for reading and your support, Sarah. Means so much. The loss is devastating. I wanted it to be easy for him, but it wasn’t and that just broke my heart into teeny tiny pieces. We miss him. I know you understand and I appreciate you reaching out. It does help xoxo

  2. chadkmiller says:

    What a heartfelt piece that removes the facade that we all have. We fear the worst, and it often happens. Thanks for your brutal honesty, it is therapy for more than you. Good writers, like yourself, make your struggles parallel with your readers. Enjoy the clouds for a bit, then return to us for more of this therapeutic writing, God knows many of us need it.

    1. Thank you so much for your continued support. You and that wifie of yours. You both provide so much fuel/inspiration/motivation for my writing.
      As for your comment…I’m not sure a writer can get a better comment than that. It’s all that I can hope for- to write words that affect someone else for the better and to connect us as human beings fighting similar battles. To know you aren’t alone in your struggles is immensely helpful.
      You do the same with your essays, expressing so much honesty is not easy, but your truth connects you with others, whether they are brave enough to admit it.
      Thanks so much!

  3. I understand your feelings and I am in pain for you. A quote an author told me recently comes to mind from a Leonard Cohen song: “ring the bells that still can ring
    Forget your perfect offering
    There is a crack in everything
    That’s how the light gets in… ”
    Light will get in again my friend. It will…you are loved

    1. That’s a great quote . Thank you. And thank you for your ever present support and inspiration. Means so much, more than you’ll ever know. Times like these fuel my words, and I learn more and more how much I rely on them.

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